Eileen

2009-08-05T22:54:00.000+08:00

"There's only one kind of folks. Folks"

I wish my thinking was that simple, then I wouldn't spend my time wallowing in self pity. Whatever happened to self control and not blogging till after Prelims? Ugh.

Alright. Time to hit the books and head back to misery land.

2009-07-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

"A million times and more"

So she ran, and ran. She didn't bother looking back. Her brow creased, tense, wet with perspiration. Her thoughts madly clashing, bloody and muddy, slamming into each other as soldiers in a battlefield. Despite the chaos raging, battering within, she gazed, listless.

After all she'd done. The race she'd run. Well, she thought. What's in it for me?

Yea, what's in it for me?

You would think I'd know better by now. I'm so sorry I'm such a lousy friend.

P.S. I know I'm not supposed to blog. Ok. I know, I know.

2009-07-19T20:26:00.005+08:00

"Disparage not the faith thou dost not know"

I think I'm in love... With the quote. Psb, I can almost see you smirking right now. Anyway, hello. It's time for me to update this rotten blog. But seriously, I don't see the point because it's not like anyone reads it anyway. School's rather mundane, but fun at times, cause of my weekday lovers! (Sorry hil, I stole that line from you!) Haha, I love them ttm!!! They make my life so interesting.

Anyway, it rained today. The rain often creates in me this awfully silly sense of melancholy which manages to be somehow, refreshingly invigorating. Goodness gracious, the mess I make of myself.

Tests're soon coming my way. Guess this'll all result in me planning with great enthusiam -my study schedule. Still, I can almost assure you, it's merely a pristine example of velleity.

In the interim, I suppose instead of slipping into the reveries I so often entertain, I'll attempt fufilling my ever so great intentions.

20++ more days to Prelims. ): I'm still procrastinating like no one's business.

I'm trying to keep this post um, short and sweet... And simple. I can hear Isabel saying "YAY" cause she finally understands what's written on my blog. So much for trying. Haha, ok. I'm gonna go on a hiatus, till Prelims are over or something, or if my conscience bugs me, after O's. But then again, the prospect of having a dead blog seems so abstract, so whatever.

Admire the simplicity of this post!

Love,
Eileen.

2009-06-15T17:59:00.002+08:00

"There's no turning around"

Blame me for being fake. Life's all a masquerade.We've all different masks. Look from behind them. I don't see what you do. Afterall, I learnt all these from you.

Consider, this.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.

I'm just playing my part; One of the, few.

2009-06-14T17:35:00.000+08:00

"Love without sobriety"

Does the perception of love evolve with time, or does it prevail?

Memory is a tenuous thing, don't you think? Like a camera with a failing lens, sometimes your focus is so sharp it hurts you. Other times, it gets so vague, so blur, you'd wish you could remember more.

I find it funny though, how I can still believe the improbable. It's false hope? Maybe. Sometimes, when we really look for something to believe in, and start ridiculous speculations, it's only cause we know that something is missing from our life, and thus, we'd do anything to fill that hole.

Thing is, if what we put in is 'ridiculous/unrealistic' , the hole is only temporarily filled and when it IS empty again, the pain just gets worse. And maybe the hole even gets bigger.

So that's why I have to snap out of it.

P.S. I hope you understand, I'm not your last resort. Stop it with all the dalliance.

2009-05-31T17:14:00.006+08:00

"So now you know the reasons"

Hello blog (I seriously don't know why I blog, no one reads this space but everyone needs some form of catharsis so here goes!)

My feelings and emotions are somewhat messy right now, it's hard even to gather my thoughts to do a decent blogpost.

Ok, so my life's been revolving around crashed hopes and malfunctioned plans. Really hate the way I sound so melancholic but everyone has phases? Images, looks, weight, clothes, shoes, there's more to life than that, I know it. So does everyone else, but look what we major in, who am I to judge people though. My mum's always telling me to 'fight the battles worth fighting.' I used to think what the hell but it really makes sense. Then again there're always two sides to everything, perpetual thoughts of the future dampens the present so I guess that's something to think about.

Anyway, I don't understand why people challenge against themselves for perfection, when perfection was already there since they started.

I really need to find some place and time to really sit down and sort myself out. I feel so, unlike the way I should be; I am a hypocrite. Thinking back, I look at myself in sec one. I would never have thought I'd end up this way. Honestly I'd probably hate myself if I knew myself, no, when I was my sec one self. All this comparison, ideally everything could just switch back to how they were. I can't say I hate my life now, but I hate what it's become. Changing; it's easy to say but not something instantaneous, like bang, and I'm back to who I was. Everyone's still themselves somewhere inside, I need to discover myself again.

Then again, maybe that feeling of loneliness and dejection never was meant to be a part of us anyway. Perhaps behind the facade of it all; behind all each person's outward appearances and barriers of mental and physical strength, lies something more fragile than the most brittle of things. That little formless wad of thingamajig gently beating in all of us seems all so far away now. All so far away.

2009-05-13T15:41:00.005+08:00

"Please be true"

It still mystifies me, why I so ardently defy my own morals. School's getting increasingly, horrifyingly mundane.

Routine, well that's just it, no?

Oh well, life's getting to me. My opinions, my thoughts seem ever so redundant.

And everything I say's a mere, a futile attempt at maturity.

I want to break loose

On a lighter note,

Freedom at last, haha. Time for self indulgence. :D That is, before the terror of results makes its arrival.

Till then, I shall bask in the idealistic ideologies of my, oh, so, ever so great results to-be (:

Haha, anyway, pictures(: No one's perfect. But the people in these pictures sure makes life much more enjoyable:D

Wilma, Weedy, PSB, yours truly(:

Oh man, I look weird. Pray, don't laugh.

The people who make my life so entertaining. HAHA

Lovelove!

PSB!

Thanks a lot ah, whoever took it.

Ngiam!

Ern Huei is WOW! HAHAHA

Hahaha, oh man, Trishy, our gu niang act damn failure.

Hahaha, "we're married now."

Favourite people in the band(:

Mae-Ann Soh, that fat pig who went off):

Nadia!

Priscilla(:

Hahaha, the coolest, the lamest, the retarded-est

Section(:

Mae-Ann Soh, Hahaha, I got dedication for you!
Dear Mae-Ann,
You've been a great ASL over the past year and it's been my greatest pleasure working with you. Hahaha, all our talks and whatever over the section. Haha, I'm so glad you're my ASL. I hope you enjoy your life in Aussie there. It's cold now. Wear more jackets. Hahaha, and pay close attention during Health Ed. Hahaha, then you can teach me:D LOL! I miss you loads!

Term II's already ending.
What've I achieved?
What am I left with?
My thoughts seem so facetious nowadays.

2009-05-12T17:54:00.007+08:00

"You will when you believe"

Perhaps there really is such a place.

Somewhere that knew no rivalry, no challenge. Somewhere that lacked altitudinous expectations. Somewhere where pejorative, derogatory comments were absent.

Somewhere where contemplation of such insubstantial, meager qualifications is unheard of. Somewhere that was completely empty; A void blank, maybe?

Repugnant, undesirable as it seems, it somehow holds a strong, undeniable lure, a carnal attraction, one so tantalizing. Everything seems so distant. Then again, I know perfectly well how I could end everything, the entire pandemonium, so, oh so simply.

Oh, Get real.

Life doesn't permit such insouciance, nor the extent of such lassitude. I can continue dreaming.

Consider this, Things that you'll accept, except that I'm slipping away.

P.S. To cogitate. It ain't all that overrated thinking. It's more than just that.

2009-04-27T18:42:00.005+08:00

"Tell me I'm impractical"

That's life, that's what all the people say.
Riding high in April,
Shut down in May.
But I know,
I'm going to change that tune.
When I'm back on top,
In June.

Tell me, is it mere human, to hide beneath varying masks? To hide away sordid, ignoble motives?

Tell me, is it perfectly acceptable, to keep inside poor, inferior, squalid qualities, and instead to parade what's seemingly the wants of everyone?

Tell me, is it simply me, who evades apprehension, yet lingers to be caught?

Life's a monochroma painting, cliched as it might sound; Tedious to look at, yet effortlessly throwing us into the psychedelic shades of color.

Yes, life's one hell of a ride. But still, the satisfaction's there. (:

Gee, I didn't study at all today, and MYE's coming up in like, less than 2 weeks time. Fantastic.

2009-04-05T16:20:00.004+08:00

"Truth be told"

This is how I'd describe the end.

Over the past few days, I've learnt a great deal of things.

I've learnt that sometimes, whether we like it or not, life twists and turns in ways we never once thought were possible. Things I've once held on to so dearly have now become irrelevant; almost completely redundant and unimportant to my daily living that I forget they ever existed. Places we once thought we knew have become unfamiliar again all of a sudden, and then we're back at square one. Clueless, and lost for directions at that same crossroad we thought we walked out before. It's such a pity, we being the weaklings we all are.

Sometimes I don't think people really do understand each other, as much as they seem to and claim. We all do have our reasons for doing certain things, and its not feasible that someone else grasps that reason entirely.

We all put up facades; wall them around our own dear selves so much we don't even know what's going on anymore. It cripples our vision, makes us distrust things so blatantly possible and to believe in fantasies, as wild as our minds take us. And sometimes, when we want to break out, the world comes crashing back again, and its often too much for one to take.

Because we all have our own insecurities and secret fears; though we don't admit it, they're as real as anything else gets. We cover it up, masking it from the prying eyes of the masses. But sometimes, it's a little too much to keep hidden altogether.

We condemn, and we rise. It's addictive, it's fun, and we keep crawling back for more. And this damned process repeats itself so much, we get lost amidst the fight we started once with our own hands, and only all too soon we start mouthing all sorts of nonsense and insensitive words we don't even mean in the first place. We start acting in ways so unnatural and unfamiliar; in mannerism once despised, yet now so painfully seductive.

Ego, ego. I seem to be getting really arrogant recently, and I suppose I need to re-examine some of my life values.

2009-04-03T17:32:00.003+08:00

"Never looking back"

When I say understanding is beyond measure, it's because understanding cannot be measured.

Who dictates the degree of understanding? For we all interpret in different manners.

Thinking doesn't get you anywhere, thinking of solutions does.

Words can be interpreted in so many ways, hence the term misinterpretation.

Chicken or egg first?
Half-filled or half-empty?
It's not a question, hence there is no answer.

Some things are not worth thinking about, some wounds are better left untouched. To these problems the only solution is time, for they say,

Only time will tell.

2009-04-02T01:59:00.003+08:00

"While it lasts"

This time's for real isn't it? You finally meant something you said. You'd think I'd know better by now. But I wouldn't know, I hardly ever did.

Taking things at face value, I'll tell you; it was much harder than you think. Because when you believe in something like that, it's hard to know for sure it's real. Every time I thought it was, you'd just disappear.

I like stability, routine but what's life without a little drama. Right?

Why am I so easily replaced, I keep asking myself that.

With every word you say, you make me believe. Strange how I never realised how empty you leave me feeling.

2009-03-12T20:13:00.005+08:00

"Beyond my control"

1. I don't deserve you.
2. I cause more hurt than pain.
3. You are better off without me.
4. I am a loser.
5. I am a spare tyre. Fine I admit.
6. I am the worst friend you can ever find in the entire universe.
7. I am not studying hard enough.
8. I hate myself.
9. I just cannot keep my comments to myself.
10. I am sorry.

Something unprecendented happened to me. And I am not afraid to admit, that I am at a total loss of what to do. And usually, that isn't the case because I've always been in complete control of my life. But right now, I'm afraid, it's falling apart so rapidly that, I've ran out of plasters.

Well, I know things are hay-wire with us now. Know why this time when we face a problem, I push the blame to you? It's stupid and selfish but it's true. It's because I thought that by doing so, I could relieve myself a little of my guilt, towards you. I don't know, looking at it now, it can be said that my plan didn't work out very well.

'Palliative' is a word to describe me right now, because all I am even doing is relieving the pain without actually dealing with the cause. I never once appreciated all the things you have done for me. But now, looking back, I realise that it has been me all along at fault.

Usually, 'sorry' would be the greatest paradox in the world for a broken friendship. But not this time, not with you and not with me. We both know better than to let one word change everything. Like it's that easy. What the mind cannot take the heart has to bear.

And yes. I did say something out of anger, yes I did, but that's not an excuse because I actually meant whatever I said. Sad but it is true, we are just like a chemistry reaction gone wrong. In the end, we result in nothing but flames.

But how come, it is so hard for me to see myself, without you in the equation? Is this ambivalence unusual? Does it make me, eccentric? I mean, it's my life. I should be the one clear of my own equation.

I don't know. I'm tired. And I don't expect this to change anything between us.

Ok, anyway, I was watching prehistoric park today. The whole show got me thinking. Basically, this guy goes back into the past when dinosaurs lived and attempts to bring them back to the present before the extinct. So it's generally a fictitious show about how some stupid person wants to attempt to change the past.

So as I was watching, I went against the theoretically correct logic and started to imagine what it would be like if maybe, one day, humans got smart enough to create something out of nothing, to help us change out past mistakes.What would I want to change? Looking at my life right now, I guess everything.

So far, I have read at least two books about characters going back in the past, either to change or to look for a new perspective. To me, books like these, are even worse than fairy tales.

If fairy tales are simply books written to coax little children to sleep. Then mature books about humans going back in time are just stories written to perhaps, give scientists the incentive to experiment.

Or maybe, to satisfy the impossible wish of humans like me.

Whatever it is, if life was so easy to the extend that we could erase and rewrite the past, we wouldn't be living on earth. I think it would be called heaven.

Without this friendship, I can now stop feeling like I have a responsibility for something that has already proven to be completely hopeless. Yes. I could dream, but I won't. Because in dreams, things will happen the way I want them to. But in reality, things usually never happen. And I'm horribly caught in the middle of right and wrong.

I'm sorry.

2009-03-06T16:46:00.004+08:00

"Everything in transition"

I failed:
Amaths
Chinese

But somehow, I feel indifferent towards my disgusting results. I knew I was going to fail. Just, not that extreme.

Oh well. I have no motivation to blog, cause my life's been rather mundane. Everything's so routined and I'm just going through the motion. Haha! And my brain's incapable of forming coherent sentences. So tadaaa!

Admire the simplicity of this post. (:

Byeeeee

Love,
Eileen.

2009-02-25T19:41:00.007+08:00

"To the point that your heart can sink no further, it can only get better."

I suppose the test of time really makes clear, friendships, and how much they're worth.

Okay, jumbled words, figure the meaning.

screwed. done. grateful. past. scratch. forgotten.

Don't be ignorant and ask me stupid questions.

The biggest hurdle is right in front of me.
God, please help me cross this.
All I'm asking for is one last chance.

it's ok if you hate me,
Because I won't blame you.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I know this probably won't change things. I'm prepared to let it sink down further. I'm sick of it. I always thought friends were supposed to trust. But I guess not. Bye

2009-02-24T19:41:00.004+08:00

"Throw it away, forget yesterday"

"I wonder if you have the same dreams too"

Just that text, I felt my resolve disappear. Suddenly, I forgot everything you've ever done. But I can't, can I?

It scares me the way I somehow classify all of it as negliable. I don't want it to happen all again. I can't afford to let it.

Term 1 week 8. I don't want to watch everything screw up again.

I didn't turn my back on you. You walked away from me first.

2009-02-23T17:19:00.009+08:00

"Drown yourself in unknown topic sentence"

Sometimes, I think. Why do things go wrong? Why do they have to? Sure. It teaches us lessons; Trials, temptations, failures, whatever. But it really sucks. It even hurts sometimes. Where's the deal in that? I make an awful lot of mistakes. It's pretty daunting. But though it hurt pretty much in the beginning, something pretty came along. Probably the best in fifteen years(:

P.S. Happy birthday Sharon! You've been an awesome friend. Thanks for being there when I was feeling down. You're 16! Can go and watch NC16 already. Haha! May you have a wonderful birthday and may God continue to bless you!

P.P.S. Oh yes. I'm supposed to help Psb advertise for her lost phone. ANYONE WHO'S SEEN A BROWN COLOUR SONY ERICSSON PHONE(NON SLIDER/FLIP) AND HAS A CRACK IN THE CORNER, PLEASE RETURN IT TO HER. SHE IS VERY SAD AND ANGRY. SO IF YOU EVEN HAVE A CONSCIENCE, PLEASE RETURN IT TO HER. A CRACKED PHONE WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD. YOU CAN'T SELL IT FOR A HIGH PRICE OR WHATEVER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

2009-02-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

Maybe now I'm desperate for an answer. Things are getting complicated and I'm horribly caught in the confusion. Unfair and all, I don't want to ask it myself.

2009-02-19T17:39:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to say this. Heck. I don't know how to start.

So, two months passed. Everyone started breaking up, cliques, bestfs. But you were always there. But then I realized I was only there when I felt like it. I wish everything could be like it was before, just snap, and time rewinds. But it hardly works that way. I can apologize and say I miss you over and over, meaning it. But I know its true, i didn't lose you as my good friend, i gave you up. I say it's your fault, but then again, it's just me. All because I've given up trying. All because it doesn't seem worth it anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for being so conditional. Now I can't even start a proper conversation with you. It hurts when we sit together but I can't find the right words. When I don't have a clue what you're saying.

I know what I've done, i feel just downright foolish. Downright foolish.
I don't expect this to change anything but I'll still love you.

What you had then, what you lacked then.
What you have now and what you lack.
I'll keep to that.

So wrong, yet so right.
So near, yet so far.
What should I do, you tell me, what should I do?

2009-02-15T18:22:00.002+08:00

"It'd better be what you want"

Hope hope hope, things will turn out fine.
Get real, Eileen, can't you see?
Wake up. Some things just don't work out.
Wake up, because you blink just once,
And it all vanishes.

For a moment, this then changes completely the next. Disoriented; intimidated. Just let it go.

I'm sorry.

2009-02-14T22:50:00.002+08:00

"I still wish we didn't play this game"

You know what really irritates me? People who have a problem with you but don't voice it. And instead of keeping it to themselves, nononono they must go tell other people, who also seem to suffer from this disorder, and so like they go tell more people.

If you don't like some of my ways, I beg of you, please tell me. And if it makes any teeny bit of coherent logic; I promise you I will make the effort to change. Newsflash for you my lovelies; Constructive criticism, Eileen likes.

Honestly, I do not appreciate you being so indirect. Lets see, I’m sure you'd be oh so delighted if someone'd assume they saw something and tell most everyone but you. How sweet, how righteous. (:

I guess, I don't quite understand you. Perhaps we're not great buddies after all. Because the image you give me is so false. I hate the way you behave. I hate what you've become. It's disgusting me minute by minute. Hate is a strong word. But I'm just trying to be honest, for a change.

Say what you will, because I honestly don't care.

Or maybe, it's not your fault, friend. Maybe I just took things too hard. I don't know. Don't quite want to know at this moment.

This post isn't directed at anyone in particular. If it triggers your conscience, I sure wonder why.

2009-02-09T17:49:00.004+08:00

"Just like that"

and you're gone, again.

Yesterday, I realised many things which I haven't the privilege to see, all these while.
Yesterday, I stumbled upon the pictures we took together.
Yesterday, I finally realised how much I missed it all.
Yesterday, I finally learnt how to cherish, treasure, and to remember.

I now know, that all those times, all those memories, are not as easy to come by as I thought. It was proof, that I never did treasure all those times, as I simply let it all go.

I thought, I'd never get affected. I thought, the past actually didn't matter. I thought, I could start afresh, and create new memories.

Yes. It is true that I could find new friends to love, to laugh. But no, I will never find another picture, like the ones we made.

Today, I looked back on yesterday. And I never once stopped crying. Because even though it was yesterday that I finally woke up, it is today, that I finally give up.

So you raise me up to watch me fall. I'll be missing you, but I guess, goodbye.

2009-02-08T00:55:00.002+08:00

Psb, no matter what happens, you'll still be my bestest friend(: Don't let anyone put you down cause you're special and unique in your own way.

It's just so easy to call you my best friend(: I remember all the times we'd laugh at ahlians and all. And even when everyone started breaking up, cliques, bestfriends, you were always there. I could have never explained how much your presence meant. No matter what may come in the future, we'll be bestfriends for life. Old et or new et, I'll still love you the same. I'll keep to that:D

So now, pig. CHEER UP:D Haha. You better be honoured that I said I love you. Cause I don't normally say that to people. HAHAHA!

2009-02-07T22:33:00.004+08:00

"Out of sight"

And it seems like I've always got this to fall upon.

School's been relatively okay. Weather's been particularly comforting. Time seems to slip by a little quicker.

Occasionally, I sit and cogitate. I sure get myself into great big mess, despite being so ostentatious in my guard against them. And sometimes, you overlook the egregiousness of your actions. It hurts me to realise how wrong we've gone. All of us.

No one really wins this time.
I can't comprehend. I really can't.

2009-02-03T20:03:00.004+08:00

"If I keep a constant speed"

And suddenly, the world seems such a perfect place.

Inexplicable; I don't know the truth. As silly as it is, slowly unnerving. I can no longer keep up to the past. What about tomorrow?

I'm feeling nostalgic. Good times tend to fly. Venturing into a place where everything goes your way is unfortunately, impossible. So, stop trying.

If I keep a constant speed
And watch everything rush past me
It's the quickest way to leave it all behind
Only, it never leaves

2009-02-01T14:04:00.003+08:00

"Don't sail away"

Everything will be worse now, won't it?

Now, now. You can stay out of my life. Get one yourself, before entering others' and creating a mess that you won't be able to clear up without living something behind.

For 15 years, I kept myself in danger itself. How brainless I actually was. But I'm trained to be immune, so what comes won't be a surprise.

Nevertheless, my incessant adoration's finally gone. Me, incredulously reaching my desire of it is slowly becoming trash.

I never knew too well; Just that it became obvious recently.

2009-01-31T22:22:00.010+08:00

"I love you and that's all I really know."

Cause even though your heart's on the left, it is always right.

I'm supposed to be experienced. But when it comes straight, you'll see me heading nowhere. When everyone around watches the smile, why does nobody look beyond? Why continue enjoying, leaving such a pathetic state?

If you know how I've been, will it still be the same? All that I needed to do is to keep myself away. And yet, I have nowhere to hide now. Do me a favour. Spare a thought for me.

Why embark on such anachronism? I don't see how you will profit.

Tag replies:D
[Yanyi] ok.
[Isabel] One word, WHATEVER
[Sammy] Haha, hello.
[weedy] Yes yes. Be happy:D
[honey] Haha(:
[weedy] But it's a FACT that you missed me:D
[Sam] WHATEVERRRR
[sharon] Haha, not bad la. Think on the bright side, you didn't fail. Haha. Yesyes. A lot of thesaurus. LOL. Korean songs pwns.
[honey] samoes:D
[RINA] Haha, same to you fat pig!
[Sam] You have never been fast:D
[weedy] You sure you chilled? Haha. Okok. I stop being mushy(but I bet you loved it). Haha.
[RINA] Nana, i show you one face. -_________________-

2009-01-29T21:46:00.004+08:00

"Again once more"

And deep down, this is what I miss the most.

So hold your breath, I'll take a chance once more.
For you, for you.

2009-01-27T16:59:00.006+08:00

"Give me tomorrow"

I look up you're standing next to me. Oh, what a feeling.

Hmm, so I guess these few days haven't been too bad.

Life, for once looks like it's getting back on track. Basically, I figured out some things today. I looked back and saw the ugly side of you. All the immaturity and selfishness.

So I'm going to take my path. Cause ever taken for granted, it's time to taste something different. I see yet a new beginning. Something worth getting excited about. The near future will probably change facts. It's simple. It won't be like before(: And I'll be different, hopefully, the next time I show up. Only because I realised I've been so shallow, and a fool just for something unworthy.

edited.
Hahahahahahaha. If you're reading this, too bad. I've deleted it yo:D

2009-01-23T18:50:00.004+08:00

"To smile is mere courtesy"

Yet, she couldn't touch anything more than that.

This week's been awfully turbulent. School's been getting exceptionally dreary. Or perhaps it's just me. Realised I've got my priorities wrong and everything. Ugh. I don't like realising stuff. Though inferiority's supposed to spur me on, rather, it drags me down with all that melancholy. Inane as it may sound, occluding myself somehow exudes a greater lure. Haha. And I've never ever felt so tired in my whole entire life.

I've been thinking. My life's awfully screwed up. Intangible seems ever so unreachable.

You'll always be a part of me.
I'm part of you, indefinitely.

2009-01-17T19:16:00.007+08:00

"Cause I don't see a reason to"

Is this what we meant when we said we'd never change?

I don't know how to react sometimes.
And I'm in a daze sometimes because I don't know how to react.
So, I am indifferent because of the daze that I find myself in; head blank, thoughts run off to someplace I can't find them.

I guess I still don't quite know what to think or do or feel. So, I don't do anything. I just shrug it off like it doesn't matter. Afterall, what you don't know can't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss.

Did you ever think, that I might be disappointed as well? Doesn't my opinion matter at all?
Oh boy. Must be my fever.

2009-01-15T18:15:00.003+08:00

"It's time for a change"

Rina never fails to make me smile:D
rina (: says:
EILEEN CHIA YOU BETTER BE THE BEST PERC SL! =D i'll support you all the way =D
I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT =D GO GAL!
Eileen says:
hahaha
Eileen says:
thanks:D
rina (: says:
=D
rina (: says:
bring percussion session to new heights! (=
Eileen says:
yes i will
Eileen says:
i promsie:D
Eileen says:
promise*
rina (: says:
good =D

And then I realised how much I missed her):

I'm gonna make a major change in the section. I'm not gonna wallow in self-pity. I'm gonna be the best SL I can be. And you can count on it. And I'm gonna take action RIGHT NOW! No more procrastination.

Hehe, Rina. I promised you and that's a promise I intend to keep:D

2009-01-14T01:04:00.001+08:00

I deleted your number out of spite, but that's not it. The best part is, I have no intention of getting it back.

2009-01-13T21:03:00.004+08:00

"Cause nobody knows for sure"

I'm supposed to be experienced at this. But when it all comes crashing down, you'd see me heading nowhere. I'm not all I wish I could be, but I do try. I've been a really lousy friend, haven't I?

Right now, I do not want your concern. Your friendship, your fellowship or whatever there is. Laugh if you will, I'm giving a show of my petulance. But I have one word for you -~~bitch.~~

Escape.

2009-01-12T19:10:00.003+08:00

"Inadequacy"

I swear. I've never ever felt so tired in my whole entire life.

Everyone gives up things close to their heart, one time or another right? I should know.

Inadequate, yet able to brag about such inadequacies. You're such a fool, Eileen.

2009-01-11T15:27:00.005+08:00

"I'll sport a smile"

Ok, so it's been a pretty eventful week. But I shan't elaborate on it. Cause I doubt anyone would want my obsessively detailed recount of each day. Either way, I don't plan to type it out.

Chinese results' out tomorrow. Somehow, I don't even feel anything. -_-

Let Him be our guiding melody
The one we both must hold
For He is the beautiful music
The One who will bind our souls

2009-01-09T18:26:00.002+08:00

"School"

I feel like the person in the picture. Haha, but that's not the point. School's been taking a toll on me. And being a sec 4 makes it even crazier.

Suddenly, I have a thousand and one things to do and I can't even find the time to do it. Oh well. 10 more months to freedom. Go, Eileen, go.

2009-01-05T18:17:00.002+08:00

"Tomorrow, I'll be better"

I really was jolted today. Perhaps, eminent or plausible death does that to a person. Instead of relishing my adolescent fantasies, sponging up whatever sort of self-indulgence possible, and prancing amidst self-conjured utopias, decked with all the usual regalia, I should at least attempt growing up a bit.

In the hope of disencumbering the ridicule hurled at me- Every single time I get shaken to my senses.

Oh, sheesh. My thinking's so generic.

2009-01-04T14:49:00.003+08:00

"I need to study"

I'm here, we're here
Re-discover, Re-start, Renew.

I really need to study. Os' are this year and I don't even have the motivation to study. Gah.

Anyway, tag replies.
[honey] Hello:D
[Sheryl] Haha, yea. Lousy to the max!
[Elizabeth goh] Hello(:
[LPB] I see you every saturday yo! HAHA! No need to miss me.
[ET] Haha, I'm very cheered up. Heh.
[weedy!] Haha, yea, I know.
[Mae-Ann] You make me sound so meannnnnn!
[Sammy] Hello sammy wammy:D
[weedy!] Haha, you planning fail la!
[olivia] Haha! Not angry:D
[ET] Right.. HAHA!
[Somebody(you know who :D)] No, it isn't a fair deal.
[mii wei] Haha, it's ok(:
[mel(:] Haha. You saw me on friday:D HAHA!
[Honey] Hello:D
[LPB] Haha, hello(:
[Sheryl] HELLO TANNNNNNN!
[ET] samoes:D
[olivia] Hello Lim!
[RINA] I see someone's ego acting up yo. Haha!
[ET] Yeaaaa. ALL THE WAY:D

Hookay. BYE:D

2009-01-03T21:55:00.005+08:00

"New Year, New Beginnings"

So, it's a new year, gives someone all the reason in the world to want to change for the better. It can prove that time slips by, regardless. And it never fails to amaze me how fast time passes by. Last year, it was a very different beginning. New class, new friends, new teachers, new positions, new everything. And last year, it was a year of realisation. I finally realised who my true friends were. I finally realised what my priorities were, my weaknesses, everything. And I can say that I've truly grown throughout the past year. To sum it all up, I hated 2008. I loved 2008.

First day of school. The moment I stepped into school, I didn't want to be in school anymore. The prospect of it being my last year, it's overwhelming. I don't even feel as if I'm ready to be a senior. It all seems, so surreal to me. Gah. But irregardless, it was great to see all my friends. I've missed them truckloads over the hols. And then, come to think of it, it's our last year together. Ok. So New Year resolutions.
#1 Spend more time with God.
#2 Treasure my friends.
#3 Study hard.
#4 Stop procrastinating.
#5 Be a good leader to my section.

Ok, this seems so abstract. Haha.

Maybe, just maybe. I took things too hard.

2008-12-29T17:16:00.008+08:00

"Cause there's no turning around"

So, this is where I find myself. So, this is how I end up. So, this is what I've sown. So, I've been blinded by hope. So, I'd been inane enough to convince myself I stood a chance.

Every single goal I set for myself; I rush into chasing it, Looking only forward. To my, what. My finish line. My horizon? My fast reaching horizon.

Horizon. An imaginary line that recedes as you approach it.

Well, what can I possibly say.

So, this is how it all ends. So, I've failed in this. So, I missed this chance. So, what?

2008-12-28T18:56:00.006+08:00

"PSB!"

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

January: This shot's damn ugly. HAHAHA!

February: Still being childish la:D

March: Haha, we look so mature. -_______-

April: Ok, this is damn gross. LOL

May: Haha, PSB! Like formal photo taking like that. Yuck.

June: I love PSB:D

July: Haha, I think this is the best we've taken. LOL

August: This is pretty retarded. August's our worst month. Heh.

September: Haha. Taking pictures during lesson's fun. Hehe.

October: Hmm, my aiming not bad right! HAHA!

November: Ok, PSB, you're too tall. Go away.

December: Ok. No comments.

Haha, ok. The pictures we took are pretty retarded. Haha. So, this's like our monthly PSB photo thing. Heh. Psb, yknow? The older we get, the uglier the picture gets. HAHAHA!

Anyway, thanks for being my best friend for 6 years:D You're the bestest friend one can have! I love you bigbig:D

Ok. The pictures are still very ugly. Haha, but aiya, heck:D HAHAHA! BYE:D

2008-12-27T23:12:00.009+08:00

"There's a lot of wonder left inside of me and you"

I wonder, is it you who has changed or me? Suddenly you don't want to tell me anything. And I don't probe. It's hard to tell you some things, perhaps because it's irrelevant. Our schedules are messed up. Our friends are different. Priorities, everything.

I can honestly say I was scared to lose you to someone else. But now, I hardly see the point. And I really regret-Regret everything I'd ever tried for you. It seems so inane. But then, when I think of it, it's all been more than worth it. What've you gained, what've I? Yes, we're drifting, and it hurts. And to tell you the truth, I really miss you.

You've not left me with much to say. Thanks for the memories; Though now, you're gone, like the wind.

Apropos matter, much.
Thinking, time.

2008-12-25T13:09:00.000+08:00

"Merry Christmas"

Hello everybody:D Merry Christmas!

Heh, ok. So on the 24th, we went to celebrate our grandpa's birthday cum gathering kinda thing. Haha. Red wine's bitter. Yuck.

My dearest cousins:D

NELSON! HAHAHA! My favourite boy of the day. LOL

Hello Mummy:D

Hello Daddy, you are very retarded. HAHA!

Aiyo. So sweet. Haha!

My dearest, most annoying and retarded brother

I have no idea what they are doing. Haha.

Hello! You have the same name as me. Haha!

My favourite cousin:D

At the bowling alley:

Hahaha!

Favourite cousin. Haha!

Self explanatory. HAHAHA!

Wilson! Mr I-haven't-warm-up-yet-so-I-threw-the-ball-into-the-drain. Haha!

Yes, Nelson, I know your mouth's very big. Haha!

Someone's acting shy. -_______-

Haha, the oldies club.

Hello dearest cousin:D

Ok, so that was about it. Haha. I love my family+extended family+ childhood friends bigbig:D

Haha, byeeee:D

2008-12-23T16:08:00.001+08:00

"And hold nothing back"

But who am I, to beg for difference?

And now I can't help but feel resigned. Give and take. Let's give and take.

Adequacy holds such profusion of pristine elation. Pray, don't let me down.

2008-12-22T18:08:00.005+08:00

"For I dare not speak my heart"

Some random thoughts plaguing me now. I think people're real complicated. Some, at least. Why thrive so hard for something. You want to reach the top so bad? I didn't think you'd backstab and step on other people just to achieve that.

I wonder if you ever cogitate, it does get lonely on the top. And with everyone you've hurt to reach all those altitudious heights, you'll eventually fall.

On another note, maybe you'll really enjoy the success of your, envious endeavours. It'd probably be real fantastic, basking it all that.

Whatever it is, I think all this makes clear; Makes clear, everything.

2008-12-20T01:11:00.002+08:00

"For what it's worth"

Final, I'd never realized how invidiously unfeeling that single word was. So, perhaps now everything will simply disintegrate? Emotional detritus, isn't it.

Get real, as if.

2008-12-19T18:05:00.001+08:00

"Hello world"

Hmm. Uh, hello? Haha, ok. This is getting pretty stupid. But anyway, hello new blog! :D

I decided to delete my old blog, on impulse. Afterall, everyone likes new beginnings, don't they?

Hopefully, this blog will last me a long long time. Heh. Oh well. Bye(: