"Beyond my control"


1. I don't deserve you.
2. I cause more hurt than pain.
3. You are better off without me.
4. I am a loser.
5. I am a spare tyre. Fine I admit.
6. I am the worst friend you can ever find in the entire universe.
7. I am not studying hard enough.
8. I hate myself.
9. I just cannot keep my comments to myself.
10. I am sorry.

Something unprecendented happened to me. And I am not afraid to admit, that I am at a total loss of what to do. And usually, that isn't the case because I've always been in complete control of my life. But right now, I'm afraid, it's falling apart so rapidly that, I've ran out of plasters.

Well, I know things are hay-wire with us now. Know why this time when we face a problem, I push the blame to you? It's stupid and selfish but it's true. It's because I thought that by doing so, I could relieve myself a little of my guilt, towards you. I don't know, looking at it now, it can be said that my plan didn't work out very well.

'Palliative' is a word to describe me right now, because all I am even doing is relieving the pain without actually dealing with the cause. I never once appreciated all the things you have done for me. But now, looking back, I realise that it has been me all along at fault.

Usually, 'sorry' would be the greatest paradox in the world for a broken friendship. But not this time, not with you and not with me. We both know better than to let one word change everything. Like it's that easy. What the mind cannot take the heart has to bear.

And yes. I did say something out of anger, yes I did, but that's not an excuse because I actually meant whatever I said. Sad but it is true, we are just like a chemistry reaction gone wrong. In the end, we result in nothing but flames.

But how come, it is so hard for me to see myself, without you in the equation? Is this ambivalence unusual? Does it make me, eccentric? I mean, it's my life. I should be the one clear of my own equation.

I don't know. I'm tired. And I don't expect this to change anything between us.

Ok, anyway, I was watching prehistoric park today. The whole show got me thinking. Basically, this guy goes back into the past when dinosaurs lived and attempts to bring them back to the present before the extinct. So it's generally a fictitious show about how some stupid person wants to attempt to change the past.

So as I was watching, I went against the theoretically correct logic and started to imagine what it would be like if maybe, one day, humans got smart enough to create something out of nothing, to help us change out past mistakes.What would I want to change? Looking at my life right now, I guess everything.

So far, I have read at least two books about characters going back in the past, either to change or to look for a new perspective. To me, books like these, are even worse than fairy tales.

If fairy tales are simply books written to coax little children to sleep. Then mature books about humans going back in time are just stories written to perhaps, give scientists the incentive to experiment.

Or maybe, to satisfy the impossible wish of humans like me.

Whatever it is, if life was so easy to the extend that we could erase and rewrite the past, we wouldn't be living on earth. I think it would be called heaven.

Without this friendship, I can now stop feeling like I have a responsibility for something that has already proven to be completely hopeless. Yes. I could dream, but I won't. Because in dreams, things will happen the way I want them to. But in reality, things usually never happen. And I'm horribly caught in the middle of right and wrong.

I'm sorry.